I Do It, You Do It

Someone once said that being "taken for granted" is a form of praise. I guess, from a professional context, if you are Dilbert and have a lunatic boss, that might be true. If you are the person who is always prepared and on time, who never loses their temper, who always tries to maintain a positive attitude and "do what needs to be done around here" without resentment or irritation, people do overlook your efforts, because they have come to expect this from you. So for some, yes, it is a form of praise.

Before my husband and I got married, we had so many long conversations about life, about marriage, about everything. Because we had a long distance relationship for more than a year, we had plenty of time to talk. I remember the single point that we both always seemed to land on was that we vowed never to BE taken for granted and never TO take the other for granted. I guess that is the stuff that dreams are made of, the idealism with which we enter into a lifetime commitment.

I wish I could say that I felt he didn't take me for granted or that I did not reciprocate. It would be easier to be the confident martyr who was doing her part - but I'm not doing my part either. I started thinking about this, this morning, as I got up to make his coffee and pack his lunch at 6:00 am. I am always striving to mix things up in his lunch, to avert the proverbial boredom with the same old sandwich and bag of chips. Some days I make tuna, some days roast beef, some days soup in a thermos. As I handed him his lunch as he was walking out the door, it struck me that he never really thanks me or even makes a comment about something great that was in his lunch. My making his coffee and his lunch (getting up at least a full hour earlier than I need to) is expected by him and I do not resent doing it. I was thinking about it, though, in contrast to the conversation I overheard between he and the kids where he was pseudo-lecturing them about not appreciating all of the things that I do for them. It was easy for me to see the irony in him being able to see it through his eyes looking at them, but not through his own eyes looking back at himself.

I can certainly see it and I can also certainly see it in my own posture, routine, behavior. Pre-marriage, I vowed that I would never lose my focus. That when he returned home from a hard day at work, I would drop everything to greet him with my full attention. I stayed the course for a while and he loved it, clearly it meant something to him and made him feel special. One day I realized that I was saying my hello's as I was finishing an email or something that felt really important in the moment. I find myself spotting him being unreasonable with the kids quite easily but my vision does not seem as sharp when he does something really wonderful. Taking someone for granted comes in many forms and in all relationships. It comes during the highs and lows in life.

You do it. I do it. If you do it, it makes it better if I do it, right?

No. Nothing makes it better. Here is the reality - we just have this one life. It will never bring any of us much comfort, reflecting on how much someone means to you or things you "wish" you would have said or done if you don't have the chance to do those things anymore. It will never bring comfort when the person or people you are regularly taking for granted just aren't here anymore. I, for one, do not want to be wishing for "just one more day" to right all the wrongs, say all the things I wish I had said, or even just really look into someones eyes with intention - times where no words are really necessary.

So ... for today (and tomorrow), I will focus on what I can do - not just where my husband is concerned but also my children, for our family is the most precious thing in this world to me. While it's true that I can't impose my wishes or refocused intention on my husband or anyone else - perhaps if I don't take him for granted, he won't take me for granted. At the end of the day, he loves me unconditionally and by doing better because I know better, I will feel better. I will be back on the course of not taking love, people or life for granted. That is certainly a start.