The Sweetest Gift

Every year we take the kids to Santa Express. It's downtown, which is an adventure in and of itself. You bring the children in, they are each assigned an elf and you get a claim check for your child LOL. You make up a list of people that they are shopping for in advance, you set the budget, but they get to go with their elf and select their own gift and wrap it, so they have their own surprises to bestow on loved ones at the holidays. All of the proceeds benefit the Vanessa Behan Crisis Nursery, so that makes it all the more special.

My son and daughter are alike in some ways, but could not be more different in others. My son picks out his gifts and it never occurs to him that someone might find his gift silly or might not like it. He picks them out with confidence and feels good about giving them. He chooses his gifts based on how he feels about the recipient entirely. My daughter has a lot more anxiety around gift selection, because it often occurs to her that someone might not like something that she has chosen, she just always wants to choose that "perfect" gift and studies your face and your reaction, to see if you "really like it," or are just being nice.

We settle in on Christmas Eve, to exchange gifts. My daughter gave me a lovely floating candle (I love candles, but will never burn it because I want to preserve it forever) and gave her Dad a tape measure that said #1 Dad on it, so fitting as he is a carpenter. Truly lovely gifts.

So then, I move to opening the present from my 7 year old son. I opened the bag and saw a felt deer. A deer. It was so my son. He puts himself into every gift he selects rather than putting the other person into it. To him it all makes perfect sense, which completely touches my heart. We talked about his gift and he said "Mama, I chose this for you because you love the outdoors so much and deers make real good mamas and you are the best mama ever." Hearing his explanation just about did me in, was very emotional, once I got past the mental image of Bambi's mother who ultimately got shot and bit the dust! I realized how brilliant and meaningful it was to me that he gave me a part of himself that night and he was so proud of his choice. The gift was unconventional and the love was unconditional.

Beyond that, the real gift my children give to me every day is the privilege of being their "mama." I know they don't realize it, even when I tell them. It's hard for kids to reconcile that parenting is a gift, but one day I know my words will echo in their ears, it will click, perhaps as they are telling their own children the same thing.

Chickens Jackin my Style

I find myself annoyed that I am not yet "basking in the glow" of the holidays. I like to spend the entire month of December "in the moment," wrapping myself in the sounds, smells and sights of the season without any pesky distractions. I wanted to be free of "last minute gifts to take care of." But - with economic times as they are, I have had to space out gift purchases.

We always enjoy the downtown city streets, buzzing with shoppers and cheery music, especially when we have finished our shopping. For us, that is a great time to find a cool cafe and grab a latte, take a horse drawn carriage ride through our beautiful city or a gondola ride over the river/falls. You get the gist - a real Norman Rockwell kinda thang.

I found myself feeling flat after Thanksgiving. My mother in law was late (as usual), by the time she arrived, there was no time for visiting. It was all about getting dinner on the table, eating with little to no conversation and then heading to the living room to lay around like lounge lizards watching football. I envisioned board games, a rousing match of ping pong - SOMETHING other than vegetation. I had envisioned meaningful conversation around the dinner table. In the end, my favorite day of the year passed as much ado about nothing.

In the end - I realized that being disappointed in the conversational handicaps of my in laws is really counterproductive. The fact that they all seem to be "chickens jackin my style" (thanks Black Eyed Peas) should have no impact on me or my feelings about the holiday. What it did make me realize was that you have to create your own moments in this life and the holidays always just seem to buzz by in a blur, with little time spent reflecting, diving deep and sharing something far more meaningful than wrapping paper and bows - the gift of yourself.

Everyone is coming here for Christmas Eve dinner, including my sister in law and her husband, who see us just this one evening a year (despite the fact that if I stood on my roof, I could probably see the roof of her apartment complex). Last year, her seemingly chosen "separation" added tension. I guess to some degree we all felt a bit resentful, almost like we were being used for that one day of the year. I just didn't have the energy to counteract the tension last year, but I have come to realize that I, as the hostess, am really the catalyst for these evenings. I set the tone, the pace, conversational direction and I am committed to making Christmas Eve not just fun, but a special memory for everyone, where we really share family time and not just share oxygen in the room. I have decided that I am going to give them a little bit more of myself and ask that they do the same.

We can't after all, choose our family or extended family, and we may not even like them, but we certainly can't "return them," like some White Elephant gift. I am bound and determined to find ONE thing about each person at our holiday table that I can say I like.

It will slow down the pace and put me in the mindset of drinking in each and every moment (while they suck down the booze - hubby's family likes their booze) of the holidays. With a mind free of clutter and details, focused on being in the moment, I hope that I will see things I might not have seen otherwise. Here's to the best of intentions! Cheers!

The White Room

Most anyone who knows me knows about my white room. I spent a good part of the week in that room and as always I come out refreshed and refocused. Of course it's not a "real"room, it is a place in my head and its peaceful, its pure, serene and always has a great soundtrack playing in the background. Highlights from this visit's soundtrack include Gravity by Sara Bareilles, If it Kills Me by Jason Mraz and Answer by Sarah McLaughlin. If you have ever seen The Chronicles of Narnia, the entrance to the white room is much like when Lucy Pevins steps out of the wardrobe into Narnia for the first time.

Life is a bevvy of emotions - highs, lows, happiness, worries, sadness, confusion. I know a lot of people who tend to want to embrace nly the good ones, but I think in doing so you miss out on something that life is trying to teach you or perhaps simply avoid dealing with things that are painful or don't know how to identify, fix or address. I like to explore everything that I am feeling, to better understand myself.

It never matters what takes me there, and I never mind going. Each time I go, I feel a little profoundly change when I quietly close the door behind me. The story of my life has never been simple - there always seems to be "stuff" swirling about me and my life could best be described as comfortable chaos. I work full time from home, care for two children and a husband. I cook, I clean, I do laundry - all the things that we all do and life is always at a "just in the nick of time" pace. One might think that this is not ideal - this concept of comfortable chaos, but I would not have it any other way. I find reward in all that I am able to accomplish.

I walked out of the white room feeling great - in control, with new found patience and my energy reserves have been refilled. Life does not always make us "feel" good. It makes us face things that can at times be confusing, unpleasant and not a lot of fun, but if you change your focus in those moments from sadness, irritation or anxiety to reflection and a pinch of philosophy - you might find that the peace you gain will surprise you and enrich your life. It really can be epic.