Just me

The Shift

• It's Friday (yay!)
• The kids are out of school today and Monday (yay!)
• My husband and I have a date night planned tomorrow night (yay!)
• We have friends coming over on Sunday with their girls (yay!)
• I might take Monday off and do something fun with my family (yay!)
• I have a ton of chores to do while multitasking with work (boo!)

Hmmm. I was thinking today about how much I don't like doing laundry, sweeping & mopping our kitchen floor, cleaning our bathrooms, washing dishes, paying bills and sometimes even cooking the family meal. These things feel pretty normal to me, although I do love to vacuum, go figure. I am not a person who likes to look at things through grey glasses or with a negative attitude. In every other aspect of life, I focus on the solution - not the problem and tackle it with gusto and high energy. Hmmm. Time for a shift.

1. Laundry - when I am washing and folding my 9 year old daughter's cute little leggings and my 7 year old son's little jeans and boxer briefs and my husband's sweatshirts and work pants, I will focus on how grateful I am that my husband has a job requiring work pants, that I have these little people in my life to do laundry for and how great it feels to see them looking so nice in those clothes I laundered. I will focus on how much I will having children at home one day to do laundry for (even if getting over that is short in duration).
2. Sweeping & mopping - when I am tackling the kitchen and dining room floors, I will remember the sound of our dog's toenails as they tap and sometimes peel out on that very floor from excitement stirred by mealtime.
3. Bathroom duty - this will be tough because bathroom duty just BLOWS! However, I will focus on how great it feels to have a clean bathroom and I will take extra time to loo at the toothbrush holders in the bathroom. To see my son and daughter's toothbrushes in their monkey hanging from a tree toothbrush holder and to see my husband's and mine side by side, almost hand in hand in ours. I will remember how lucky I am to be part of a family, something larger than myself, in a place that I am loved.
4. Meal time - tonight I am making a family favorite German dinner and I won't stress out over how perfect it is. If I do what I have always done, it will taste as it always has tasted, delicious! During dinner, I won't let my mind wander to the dishes that will await me, instead I will sit back and enjoy the happiness and appreciation of my family.
5. Dishes - when it does come time to clean up, I will focus on how grateful I am to have an automatic dishwasher to handle the task instead of "rightie and leftie," been there, done that.
6. Paying the bills - rather than focusing on the perceived "bloodsuckers" who always want money from us, I will be ever so grateful that we can pay our bills. At least right now, we don't have to decide who to rob - Peter or Paul or whether we can live without garbage service or cable that month. I will focus on the sense of satisfaction I always get when having paid those bills, knowing that it has been handled and on that day I was a responsible grownup. :-)

In my world, everything is relative - no matter what it is. Maybe all of these things can be relative too. I know that I am not alone in being a "non fan" of these mundane things in life that we all have to do. We are an army of often unsung heroes who tackle these jobs daily, often without a word, without a complaint - just with acceptance. These tasks are never going to go away, even as much as I had hoped that when I reached adulthood, life really would be like an episode of the Jetsons.

I have always said, if you don't like your story change it (and stop whining about it). I have always applied this philosophy more to the "big picture" but why not miniaturize it to the smaller picture that is daily life? In the end - you can be the person who grins and bears it or who just smiles and does it. I prefer to be smiling.

I Do It, You Do It

Someone once said that being "taken for granted" is a form of praise. I guess, from a professional context, if you are Dilbert and have a lunatic boss, that might be true. If you are the person who is always prepared and on time, who never loses their temper, who always tries to maintain a positive attitude and "do what needs to be done around here" without resentment or irritation, people do overlook your efforts, because they have come to expect this from you. So for some, yes, it is a form of praise.

Before my husband and I got married, we had so many long conversations about life, about marriage, about everything. Because we had a long distance relationship for more than a year, we had plenty of time to talk. I remember the single point that we both always seemed to land on was that we vowed never to BE taken for granted and never TO take the other for granted. I guess that is the stuff that dreams are made of, the idealism with which we enter into a lifetime commitment.

I wish I could say that I felt he didn't take me for granted or that I did not reciprocate. It would be easier to be the confident martyr who was doing her part - but I'm not doing my part either. I started thinking about this, this morning, as I got up to make his coffee and pack his lunch at 6:00 am. I am always striving to mix things up in his lunch, to avert the proverbial boredom with the same old sandwich and bag of chips. Some days I make tuna, some days roast beef, some days soup in a thermos. As I handed him his lunch as he was walking out the door, it struck me that he never really thanks me or even makes a comment about something great that was in his lunch. My making his coffee and his lunch (getting up at least a full hour earlier than I need to) is expected by him and I do not resent doing it. I was thinking about it, though, in contrast to the conversation I overheard between he and the kids where he was pseudo-lecturing them about not appreciating all of the things that I do for them. It was easy for me to see the irony in him being able to see it through his eyes looking at them, but not through his own eyes looking back at himself.

I can certainly see it and I can also certainly see it in my own posture, routine, behavior. Pre-marriage, I vowed that I would never lose my focus. That when he returned home from a hard day at work, I would drop everything to greet him with my full attention. I stayed the course for a while and he loved it, clearly it meant something to him and made him feel special. One day I realized that I was saying my hello's as I was finishing an email or something that felt really important in the moment. I find myself spotting him being unreasonable with the kids quite easily but my vision does not seem as sharp when he does something really wonderful. Taking someone for granted comes in many forms and in all relationships. It comes during the highs and lows in life.

You do it. I do it. If you do it, it makes it better if I do it, right?

No. Nothing makes it better. Here is the reality - we just have this one life. It will never bring any of us much comfort, reflecting on how much someone means to you or things you "wish" you would have said or done if you don't have the chance to do those things anymore. It will never bring comfort when the person or people you are regularly taking for granted just aren't here anymore. I, for one, do not want to be wishing for "just one more day" to right all the wrongs, say all the things I wish I had said, or even just really look into someones eyes with intention - times where no words are really necessary.

So ... for today (and tomorrow), I will focus on what I can do - not just where my husband is concerned but also my children, for our family is the most precious thing in this world to me. While it's true that I can't impose my wishes or refocused intention on my husband or anyone else - perhaps if I don't take him for granted, he won't take me for granted. At the end of the day, he loves me unconditionally and by doing better because I know better, I will feel better. I will be back on the course of not taking love, people or life for granted. That is certainly a start.

City Drive and Deep Dive

Saturday night was date night. We never have a firm plan, we know we will go out for dinner - but what happens afterwards is always a mystery to hubby and me. That is how we like it. In a world where you are parents, have responsibilities and necessitated routines, we try to infuse spontaneity wherever possible. We have ended up at hockey games, farm team baseball games, bowling alleys, stopping in to see friends. Most often, though, we find ourselves taking long drives and talking.

On this night we went to a Mexican restaurant that my husband likes. I really don't care for it, but I said "you choose" and when he "chose," I gave no indication that inside I was thinking "Damn, of all the places." The conversation was good, the food was tolerable, then we just hopped in the car and took off. I never ask where we are going and he never knows, we just go. We soon honed in on some signs that simply said "City Drive" with a directional arrow. In all the years he has lived here, he had never taken the City Drive, so he was as game as I was. The drive is 32 miles in total. We nearly finished it, but by the time we reached the North side, near our home, we decided to finish the drive on our next outing. The drive was interesting but was largely fueled by our hysterical laughter each time we thought we had missed a sign and doubled back to where we saw the last sign, only to realize that we had simply panicked. Had we stayed the course, the next sign was just up ahead.

The mood was good and from experience I know that these are often the best times to have conversations with my husband about "big" issues. My biggest frustration with my husband surrounds parenting of our 7 and 9 year old children. He had a terrible childhood, seven different stepfathers through the years and literally no role models to signify what a good "Dad" looks like. His interaction with the kids always seems to come only from an authoritarian perspective and I see the kids just trying to steer clear of him, to fly under the radar so to speak.

As a husband, he is caring, he is loving, he is fun and hysterically funny. Those cherished and coveted traits, however, seem to be almost exclusively with me and rarely with our children. I took my opportunity to open my heart and discuss this with him. I told him that on date nights I am always reminded (in stereo) why I fell in love with him in the first place, that the man sitting next to me in his Dodge Dakota truck is all I could ever have asked for and was so fortunate to have. I asked him if he could find a way to share "this person" with our children and I promised him that if he did, the rewards would be immeasurable and would completely change his legacy. I was kind with my words, they were coming from a good place. He was quiet and thoughtful and said nothing, then all of a sudden, he careened off the road onto the shoulder, pulled me close, put my face in his hands and gave me this amazing kiss and, without words, I knew he understood and I knew what he was feeling. Words were optional, and certainly not necessary at that moment in time.

We finished our city drive adventure and when I was settling up with the babysitter, I looked behind me to see him dancing with our daughter. I got to the top of the stairs just in time to see him twirl her around in circles, accompanied by the sound of her delightful laughter in my ears.

We took a drive, we had a deep dive ... and I am anxious to see if there is more dancing and more laughter. I remain hopeful that my "date" will show our children just how fun and amazing he is. I realize, sometimes, that he doesn't even realize it himself.

The Sweetest Gift

Every year we take the kids to Santa Express. It's downtown, which is an adventure in and of itself. You bring the children in, they are each assigned an elf and you get a claim check for your child LOL. You make up a list of people that they are shopping for in advance, you set the budget, but they get to go with their elf and select their own gift and wrap it, so they have their own surprises to bestow on loved ones at the holidays. All of the proceeds benefit the Vanessa Behan Crisis Nursery, so that makes it all the more special.

My son and daughter are alike in some ways, but could not be more different in others. My son picks out his gifts and it never occurs to him that someone might find his gift silly or might not like it. He picks them out with confidence and feels good about giving them. He chooses his gifts based on how he feels about the recipient entirely. My daughter has a lot more anxiety around gift selection, because it often occurs to her that someone might not like something that she has chosen, she just always wants to choose that "perfect" gift and studies your face and your reaction, to see if you "really like it," or are just being nice.

We settle in on Christmas Eve, to exchange gifts. My daughter gave me a lovely floating candle (I love candles, but will never burn it because I want to preserve it forever) and gave her Dad a tape measure that said #1 Dad on it, so fitting as he is a carpenter. Truly lovely gifts.

So then, I move to opening the present from my 7 year old son. I opened the bag and saw a felt deer. A deer. It was so my son. He puts himself into every gift he selects rather than putting the other person into it. To him it all makes perfect sense, which completely touches my heart. We talked about his gift and he said "Mama, I chose this for you because you love the outdoors so much and deers make real good mamas and you are the best mama ever." Hearing his explanation just about did me in, was very emotional, once I got past the mental image of Bambi's mother who ultimately got shot and bit the dust! I realized how brilliant and meaningful it was to me that he gave me a part of himself that night and he was so proud of his choice. The gift was unconventional and the love was unconditional.

Beyond that, the real gift my children give to me every day is the privilege of being their "mama." I know they don't realize it, even when I tell them. It's hard for kids to reconcile that parenting is a gift, but one day I know my words will echo in their ears, it will click, perhaps as they are telling their own children the same thing.

Chickens Jackin my Style

I find myself annoyed that I am not yet "basking in the glow" of the holidays. I like to spend the entire month of December "in the moment," wrapping myself in the sounds, smells and sights of the season without any pesky distractions. I wanted to be free of "last minute gifts to take care of." But - with economic times as they are, I have had to space out gift purchases.

We always enjoy the downtown city streets, buzzing with shoppers and cheery music, especially when we have finished our shopping. For us, that is a great time to find a cool cafe and grab a latte, take a horse drawn carriage ride through our beautiful city or a gondola ride over the river/falls. You get the gist - a real Norman Rockwell kinda thang.

I found myself feeling flat after Thanksgiving. My mother in law was late (as usual), by the time she arrived, there was no time for visiting. It was all about getting dinner on the table, eating with little to no conversation and then heading to the living room to lay around like lounge lizards watching football. I envisioned board games, a rousing match of ping pong - SOMETHING other than vegetation. I had envisioned meaningful conversation around the dinner table. In the end, my favorite day of the year passed as much ado about nothing.

In the end - I realized that being disappointed in the conversational handicaps of my in laws is really counterproductive. The fact that they all seem to be "chickens jackin my style" (thanks Black Eyed Peas) should have no impact on me or my feelings about the holiday. What it did make me realize was that you have to create your own moments in this life and the holidays always just seem to buzz by in a blur, with little time spent reflecting, diving deep and sharing something far more meaningful than wrapping paper and bows - the gift of yourself.

Everyone is coming here for Christmas Eve dinner, including my sister in law and her husband, who see us just this one evening a year (despite the fact that if I stood on my roof, I could probably see the roof of her apartment complex). Last year, her seemingly chosen "separation" added tension. I guess to some degree we all felt a bit resentful, almost like we were being used for that one day of the year. I just didn't have the energy to counteract the tension last year, but I have come to realize that I, as the hostess, am really the catalyst for these evenings. I set the tone, the pace, conversational direction and I am committed to making Christmas Eve not just fun, but a special memory for everyone, where we really share family time and not just share oxygen in the room. I have decided that I am going to give them a little bit more of myself and ask that they do the same.

We can't after all, choose our family or extended family, and we may not even like them, but we certainly can't "return them," like some White Elephant gift. I am bound and determined to find ONE thing about each person at our holiday table that I can say I like.

It will slow down the pace and put me in the mindset of drinking in each and every moment (while they suck down the booze - hubby's family likes their booze) of the holidays. With a mind free of clutter and details, focused on being in the moment, I hope that I will see things I might not have seen otherwise. Here's to the best of intentions! Cheers!

The White Room

Most anyone who knows me knows about my white room. I spent a good part of the week in that room and as always I come out refreshed and refocused. Of course it's not a "real"room, it is a place in my head and its peaceful, its pure, serene and always has a great soundtrack playing in the background. Highlights from this visit's soundtrack include Gravity by Sara Bareilles, If it Kills Me by Jason Mraz and Answer by Sarah McLaughlin. If you have ever seen The Chronicles of Narnia, the entrance to the white room is much like when Lucy Pevins steps out of the wardrobe into Narnia for the first time.

Life is a bevvy of emotions - highs, lows, happiness, worries, sadness, confusion. I know a lot of people who tend to want to embrace nly the good ones, but I think in doing so you miss out on something that life is trying to teach you or perhaps simply avoid dealing with things that are painful or don't know how to identify, fix or address. I like to explore everything that I am feeling, to better understand myself.

It never matters what takes me there, and I never mind going. Each time I go, I feel a little profoundly change when I quietly close the door behind me. The story of my life has never been simple - there always seems to be "stuff" swirling about me and my life could best be described as comfortable chaos. I work full time from home, care for two children and a husband. I cook, I clean, I do laundry - all the things that we all do and life is always at a "just in the nick of time" pace. One might think that this is not ideal - this concept of comfortable chaos, but I would not have it any other way. I find reward in all that I am able to accomplish.

I walked out of the white room feeling great - in control, with new found patience and my energy reserves have been refilled. Life does not always make us "feel" good. It makes us face things that can at times be confusing, unpleasant and not a lot of fun, but if you change your focus in those moments from sadness, irritation or anxiety to reflection and a pinch of philosophy - you might find that the peace you gain will surprise you and enrich your life. It really can be epic.